There's an interesting discussion in the comments thread of this week's Slacktivist Left Behind post. The comments usually diverge into other discussions pretty quickly; sometimes it's a topic I find tedious and annoying (for instance last week was bike paths and Critical Mass demonstrations) and sometimes it's just as interesting as the post, if not more.
This week is a good topic: whether or not it's rude for a Christian to tell an atheist or agnostic "I'm praying for you." There are a lot of interesting points of view expressed. My personal feeling is that at best "I'm praying for you" means "I care and I think I'm helping you." I don't believe prayer has any real-world benefit, though I do recognize that as a form of meditation it can benefit the person doing it. In that sense, someone praying for me is a useless, though harmless and kindly meant, gesture. Kind of like getting ugly socks for Christmas from an elderly relative.
That's "I'm praying for you" at best. At worst, it means "You are going to hell." There's something spiteful about telling someone that you have a pipeline to a diety you believe will send them to eternal torment. This version is more like getting ugly socks for Christmas from a parent or spouse: an actively hurtful message thinly disguised as a gift.
Someone on Slacktivist compared it to the Southern expression "Bless your heart." Which, if you've ever lived in the South, you know that means "There's something seriously wrong with you." Because of the art car, I get this one or the younger version, "That's nice," all the time. When someone looks at my car and says "That's nice," it's generally obvious whether they mean "I like it" or "You crazy freak." But either way, I always pretend like they meant it in the good way and reply, "Thanks!" I suppose that probably confirms their opinion that I'm a crazy freak, but what do I care? It makes me feel better than trying to cut them back would.
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As I posted over there, there's a large difference between being prayed FOR and being prayed AGAINST.
Just before I was operated on for a hernia this summer, several people, whom I have no doubt know that I am an atheist, wrote to me that they were praying for me. The results of a recent study by the Templeton Foundation showed that heart patients who were prayed for had the same number of subsequent complications as heart patients who were not prayed for, provided that neither group of patients knew that they were being prayed for. On the other hand, patients who were prayed for and knew this, did worse than either of the other two groups! I will be charitable and assume that the people who prayed for me were unaware of the results of the Templeton study. I would have been happier if they had said, "I will be thinking about you" which would have respected my beliefs (or lack of them). Recently, Daniel Dennett, the atheist philosopher from Tufts, had a serious heart operation. He reported that some of his friends ,knowing full well that he is an atheist, told him that they had prayed for him. He says that he resisted the temptation to ask them if they had also sacrificed a goat!
Lee: "Praying for" and "praying against" is a really good way to put it. I didn't see your comment, maybe you posted after I had read the thread.
Dad: I forgot about that study! I wish they had had another experimental group who were told they were being prayed for, but actually weren't. Then we'd know whether praying for ill people causes actual harm, or whether it was a sort of reverse placebo effect. Obviously I believe the latter but it would be nice to have evidence one way or the other.
The problem with the Templeton Test is that there was no way to ensure that the people who were being prayed for through the test, were not also being prayed for by others, their relatives etc. The best thing about The Templeton Test is that it used up about $2.5 million of Templeton's funds, although they seem to have a lot more.
Long before the Templeton Test, that eminent Victorian, Francis Galton, who was Charles Darwin's half cousin, pointed out that each Sunday, in all the Anglican Cchurches in England, prayers were offered up for the health of the (British) Royal Family. Galton did the math and concluded that the life expectency of the Royals, up to that time, was not significantly different from that of the population in general. Ambrose Bierce in his "The Devil's Dictionary" has an entry, "Pray. v. To ask that the laws of the universe be anulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy" which seems to me to be right on the money
When someone says they will pray for you it means they care about you and they wish you success with whatever trial you are facing. I personally find it touching when someone tells me they care about me and that they want me to succeed and think it would be rude to be offended by this.
Even when someone is praying against you as you've put it it suggest they are concerned about you and want you to stop a behaviour they feel is harmful.
Also, Bless Your Heart is an all purpose exclamation. In my experience I find it most often means thank you.
Coming next, the rising menace of people who say bless you when you sneeze.
I think I'm probably reading more into this than there really is, but the wording itself differentiates it for me: "I'm praying for you" can (it seems) often come across as "I'm praying for you since you're going to hell", whereas, "You're in my prayers" comes across more as "I'm thinking of you and wishing you well."
As a corollary, if one were of a scientific bent, is it offensive to be "wished well" -- doesn't that imply some sort of belief in a non-empirically based universe?
;-)
"Bless your heart" can mean *either* "I'm saying something awful but can't get blamed for it" (as in "He's ugly as the day is long and dumb as a post, but he tries hard, bless his heart") *or* a genuine "Oh my heavens, that's so unexpectedly kind of you" (as in "Bless your heart, you didn't have to do bring over dinner too!") *or* "Oh you poor thing" (as in "Your mother and step mother were both at your house at Christmas -- bless your heart!!")
Hi Gina! Long time no ... read!
You've totally nailed the possible meanings of "bless your heart." In my somewhat limited experience, people seem to use the expression reliably in one way or the other. For instance my mom always uses it to mean "you poor thing" (but usually in the third person, I'd be more likely to hear her say "Bless his heart" when hearing about someone with, for example, serious medical problems. There's also a certain class of Southern lady who have mastered the art of cutting people down with "bless your heart."
Also I agree about "I'm praying for you" vs. "You're in my prayers." I've never heard the latter with the implied meaning of praying *against*.
I actually use all three "Bless Your[/his/their] Hearts" much to the confusion of some of my non-Southern friends to whom I've explained meaning #1, but not #2 or #3 :)
I heard someone use meaning #3 of "Bless your heart" at the vet this week: a woman picking up her very nervous mini dachshund wearing a big elizabethan collar. The dog saw her and let out the loudest whine I've ever heard, and the woman comforted the dog by saying "You poor baby, bless your heart, etc."