the thirteen report

The vet saw Thirteen and we got the go-ahead to leave for a few days. The vet was careful to remind me that things can happen when we don't expect them, but Thirteen's decline has been so gradual that she'll likely be okay next week.

Thirteen is basically stable, though losing weight steadily. She's down to 33.5 pounds. She has her good days and bad days. For instance on Wednesday she ate a whole cup of food, and was so lively that when I came home she barked at the door for me. She hasn't done that in months. But the day before that, she ate only 1/2 cup and threw up most of it. The vet said that "roller coaster" to be expected. One day you'll think "oh no, this is it" and then the next day you'll think she's doing great.

The vet also said that Thirteen doesn't have a lot of time left. I knew it already, but it was still tough to hear. I asked the vet what I should look for as symptoms of pain. Because Thirteen is such a stoic that it's hard to tell. The vet said I shouldn't focus so much on pain, since we already know Thirteen is in pain from her arthritis. Instead I should pay attention to how engaged she is. When she gets to the point where she just lies still all day, doesn't interact with us and doesn't want to be touched, that's when she probably doesn't want to be alive anymore. Thirteen isn't like that at all now. Even though it's hard for her to walk, she still seems interested whenever Georg, Jane or I are moving around, wants to know where we are, and approaches me frequently to get her stomach scratched. She seems like she's still happy to be with us.

The past few days I've been a lot more emotional than I had expected. Just having to discuss emergency plans with the vet and the pet sitter has brought up a lot of feelings. I was all proud of myself, thinking that I had accepted Thirteen's impending death & was able to think about it and talk about it so calmly. But I'm finding that odd things set me off.

Like for instance the movie I Am Legend. The one where all the ads show Will Smith and his dog living the survivalist life together in New York. Now, this is not a spoiler. I haven't seen the movie, haven't read the original book, and there is no dog in Omega Man. But if you've ever seen a Hollywood movie before, it's pretty obvious that the dog isn't going to make it. I can even hazard a guess as to how it will happen, and I bet I'm right.

I find that I can't stand even seeing the ad for that movie. I see Will Smith running on the treadmill with his dog and I think about that dog dying and I become physically upset. Not just crying, but an actual pain in my chest. It's ridiculous, I know. I guess it just hits a little too close to home.