r.i.p. thirteen

Thirteen died at 5:30 this evening. She was miserable, and there didn't seem to be anything the vet could do to make her feel better. If anything, she continued to get worse during the day.

She'd been having a harder and harder time of it for the past few months, and we've known this was coming soon. I had been watching for signs that she was no longer happy to be alive: a disengagement or depression, not caring about being near us and not wanting to be touched. She reached that point, rather suddenly, last night. I don't know what happened to her yesterday but it seemed like something in her just shut off. This afternoon at St. Francis, she hardly responded to us at all. Just before the end she did lie back and let me scratch her stomach one last time though.

We're both upset of course, and I cried a lot at the vet's office. But I think we're not as distraught as when Lina died. That was so unexpected, the shock was like a physical blow. This is terribly sad, I feel like I've just lost one of my oldest friends. (Probably because I have; at 16 1/2 years Thirteen had been in my life longer than all but a very few friends.) Still, I've been thinking about her death and trying to mentally prepare for months, and I think that does take the raw edge off.

I do regret that she spent her last day at the vet's office instead of at home. But I had to be out all day and I really couldn't have left her alone. And besides, they were all so nice to her there. I'm grateful to the wonderful doctors and staff at both St. Francis and Cole Park for all the kindness they've shown Thirteen and Jane both.

Aside from that I have no regrets, I know we did everything we could for her. It's been hard for her recently but I do think she was happy to be with us up until the last day. I've been thinking about all the times I put down my dinner and got on the floor with her (she had a talent for deciding she wanted attention just as we sat down to eat) to scratch her stomach. It was her favorite thing, ever since she was a puppy. I used to grumble about cold food at the time, but I almost always did it. Because I knew there'd be a day like today coming soon, when I'd be grateful for those moments with her. And I am.