It was a pretty good year for One Life to Live, at least from my point of view. My least favorite character in the history of the show, Antonio Vega, left. And they finally resolved the dead baby swap storyline. I really, really hated the fad for dead baby swaps, which All My Children and One Life have both done in the past couple of years. And the kookiest villain of all time, Mitch Lawrence, came back from the dead again.
Maybe I'm feeling optimistic about the show because of something that's happening right now: a groundbreaking gay romance. One Life has tried to do gay storylines before & have always mucked it up: the first time was notable just for being the first (and was a really long time ago, in the late 80s I think) and the gay character was a teen who was completely chaste, and the storyline was all about other people's homophobia, not so much about the gay kid himself. Then a few years ago they had a villain who was married to a core character and was secretly schtupping his teenage son's best friend. And he was a murderer. That was kind of a disaster.
This time I feel like they're doing it right. The couple, Kyle and Oliver, are treated like any other soap couple: the romance has built over the months, giving people a chance to get to know them and root for them; each one has a life & friends besides each other, so they're part of the whole canvas; they've faced obstacles which are wacky in that soap way, but not completely over the top (in that soap way).
Kyle and Oliver had their first love scene last week and it was just like any soap love scene. Candles in the room, cheesy music (they have their own theme song!), the whole thing. I didn't realize it was such a big deal but it was reported in Huffington Post and on Andrew Sullivan. Apparently it's the first gay love scene ever on daytime. (I thought for sure Bianca and Reese had had a love scene on All My Children, but maybe they just snuggled a lot.) This may sound corny but One Life is "my" soap, the one I will always keep tabs on. And I'm proud of my soap.
Behind the scenes, when All My Children moved to California, One Life inherited AMC's studio in New York. AMC's space is much bigger so I hope this will be a good change. The move is happening right around now and I don't know when episodes filmed in the new space will start to air. I don't expect we'll see a difference, except that maybe we'll start to see sets AMC left behind, redressed for One Life. We may also see some actors who declined to move with AMC showing up on One Life. I fear this means Patrick Thornheart, who I hated almost as much as Antonio, will come back. The actor just left AMC because he preferred to stay in NY with his wife, who plays Marty on One Life.
In 2009 there were 46-47 days (once it was unclear whether a new day had started or not). They had the following holidays: New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day, Halloween, Election Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve again.
- 12/30-1/5 New Year's Eve. Puddle of Mudd performs at Ultraviolet. John buys Rodi's. Dorian goes to a tropical island which is owned by Alex Olanov. Marty talks Todd into jumping off a building. John fishes Todd out of the river and Blair gives him CPR. Dorian and Rusty the lawyer get drunk and spend the night together but don't have sex. Marty and Wes from Iraq (the guy from Soap Star) get drunk and spend the night together but don't have sex.
- 1/6-1/14 Sarah reports Vanessa to ICE. Wes moves to Llanview. Jessica turns into Bess, then back to Jessica. Marty and Wes have sex. Sarah leaves Llanview. The kids go back to school at Llanview High. Someone is filming Todd's house. Dillon from GH (Skyler) is the new science teacher & also Dr. Joplin's son. Cole buys drugs from another student. Nora finds pot in Matthew's book bag. Janet returns to Llanview. Rex and Gigi try to have sex but are interrupted by Shane. Nora hides Janet in the Buchanan guest house. Cole takes drugs. John and Blair have sex. Wes gets a job at Rodi's.
- 1/15-1/22 Dorian returns to Llanview. Jessica visits the cottage where her baby died and Tess emerges. Dorian gives David a blow job and pretends to join David's Buddhist sect. Starr is caught with Cole's drugs, talks her way out of it. Wes admits that he planted a gun on the Iraqi boy Brody shot. Cole takes drugs. Bess and Tess pretend to integrate with Jessica. John and Marty kiss. Lee agrees to testify against Todd. Matthew is grounded but sneaks out to Ultraviolet. Cris and Vanessa are an item now. Blair lets Todd visit Jack and Sam. Plain White Tee (?) plays at Ultraviolet. Blair and John have sex. Rex and Gigi have sex. Todd and Tea sleep together, but don't have sex.
- 1/23-1/29 Dorian invites a bunch of homeless people to eat in her house. Lee wears a wire to see Todd, but Todd finds the wire. Matthew steals Cole's drugs, and Cole takes them back. Dorian gives all her possessions to Moe. Jared also pretends to join David's sect. Vicki takes the baby to visit Jessica. Cole punches Wes and buys more drugs.
- 1/29-2/3 Todd's trial for conspiracy to kidnap Starr's baby begins. Antonio testifies. Jessica is released from St. Anne's. Starr testifies. Lee knocks out Talia and escapes. Starr lies to protect Todd. Someone stabbed Lee to death in Todd's house. Tea confesses to stabbing Lee. Matthew almost smokes pot. Tea is taken for questioning. Dorian proposes to David. Clint goes to London and returns on the same day?
- 2/4-2/7 ABC has an ad deal with Campbells: people are name-checking brands on every episode. Tea is released from custody. Todd is acquitted. Davd and Dorian fly to Las Vegas to get married. Nora threatens to arrest Starr, so Todd confesses to kidnapping Marty, raping her, and trying to steal Starr's baby. Rex and Gigi fly to Las Vegas to stop Dorian and David. Blair punches Tea. Talia's birthday. Rex proposes to Gigi. Layla has a new love interest, Oliver Fish. Starr meets Chloe (really her baby Hope). Gigi's sister Stacey is a stripper in Vegas. Blair fights with Marty, falls into the river then pulls Marty into the river. Mo and Noelle get married in Vegas by a James Brown impersonator. David and Dorian get married by a Buddhist monk.
- 2/10-2/16 Valentine's Day, Go Red for Women Ball. Rex and Gigi, Mo and Noelle, David and Dorian return to Llanview. Stacey follows Gigi to Llanview and breaks into her house. Cole smokes pot but Matthew takes the blame. Dorian and David move into Roxy's hotel. Beaver returns to Llanview. Stacey steals her dress and ticket to the Red Ball. Skyler hires Starr as a research assistant. Bo enrolls Matthew in military academy. Cole buys more drugs. Everyone goes to the Go Red Ball. Dorian and David announce their marriage. Beaver Calhoun announces that David is the Buchanan heir. OLTL has a new black couple: Leon and Hope. Michael gives Marcie a yellow topaz necklace; they reconcile and have sex. Stacey tells Gigi their parents are dead. Todd punches Wes and breaks a bottle on his head. Tea punches Marty. Wes wrestles Todd to the ground and pulls a knife on him. The Buchanans go home, get drunk and play strip poker. Dorian and David spend the night together, and have sex. Bo and Nora spend the night to together, and don't have sex. Todd and Blair spend the night together at Todd's house, and don't have sex. Wes is stabbed to death while in bed with Marty. Stacey and Oliver spend the night together, and do have sex. Brodie sneaks out of St. Anne's. Ray escapes from prison in Colombia and flies to Llanview. Natalie finds Jessica's parking stub from when she swapped the babies.
- 2/17-2/24 David and Dorian have sex again. David and Dorian buy new clothes. Marty and Todd are taken to the police station for questioning. David and Dorian throw the Buchanans out of the mansion and rename it La Fleurie. Cole got accepted to LU. Marco got accepted to LU and UCLA Film school. Marty is questioned. Cole punches his locker and takes drugs. Oliver breaks up with Layla. Marty is arrested. Cris and Vanessa have sex. Ray knocks Cris unconscious and pulls a knife on Vanessa. The Buchanans move into Llanfair. Addie throws a pie in David's face. Cris and Ray fight and fall down the stairs. Vanessa confesses to framing Ray for murdering his wife. The Buchanans have a DNA test that shows David isn't Asa's son, and move back into the mansion. Rex, Shayne and Stacey go to the Flyers game together. The DNA test says Rex is actually David's son. Stacey moves in with Shayne, Gigi and Rex. Cris punches Ray. Cris calls the police on Ray and Vanessa. [Oh no, the original Clint (Clint Ritchie) just died. He was so much better.]
- 2/25-3/2 Marty refuses to let Cole visit her in jail. Oliver brings flowers to Stacey; she dumps him. Now the DNA test says Rex isn't David's son and Bo is David's father. What? Blair breaks up with John. Vanessa is deported. Starr and Skyler (her teacher) hug. Roxy says she killed Rex' father but she's lying. Starr disowns Todd. Skyler knows Stacey. Roxy visits Rex's father, he's in a coma. (He's totally Mitch Lawrence.) David goes to LA to become an actor. Cole takes drugs, throws his books, screams at Starr, kisses her, then takes more drugs.
- 3/3-3/11 Cole takes drugs. Ray is cleared of all charges. Carlotta slaps Tia's face. Cole buys drugs. Marty is released from jail and moves into the Buchanan mansion. Cole is put on some kind of "bad student alert" by the school. Marty finds Cole's drugs. Dorian hits Ray with a vase and knocks him out. Rex and Natalie break into the hospital and steal security DVDs. John kisses Blair. Ray and Dorian call a truce. Cris calls Sarah. John and Blair almost have sex, but Marty calls and John leaves. All the kids go to a dance at Llanview High. Mo refuses to give Dorian's house back. Cole slams Todd against a wall and tries to choke him. Skyler confesses to Starr that his mother was plotting with Todd to kidnap Starr's baby. Lola kisses Marco. Starr kisses Skyler, her teacher. Cole slams Skyler against a wall and tells the principal that he kissed Starr and has a history of drug abuse. Someone stabs Blair in the shower. (Yes, just like Psycho.) Matthew has a new friend, Destiny. Stacey arranges to get Gigi and Shayne out of the house, then drugs Rex's drink. Matthew dances with the mean girl Becca; she dumps him. Cole takes drugs, drives with Matthew in the car, and crashes into Gigi & Shayne's car. Shayne has an asthma attack. Marty remembers Cole. Skyler is suspended from teaching and under investigation. Antonio is gone! Woo! Blair has surgery. Marty lifts a car to rescue Cole. Blair sees Todd and codes. Matthew is thrown from the car; the ambulance leaves him behind. Stacey gives Rex a lap dance; Rex passes out. [Oh no, Phil Carey (Asa) just died.] John slams Todd against a wall. Bo finds Matthew. Stacey crawls into bed with unconscious Rex; Gigi sees them. Matthew is paralyzed below the waist. Blair is in a coma. Cole is arrested. Todd is arrested for stabbing Blair. John finds a letter D under Blair's fingernail.
- 3/12-3/18 Rex has a drug test. Brodie is released from St. Anne's and moves into the room where Wes was stabbed. Gigi throws Stacey out of the house. Shayne has leukemia. John finds an A tattooed on Wes' body. Stacey moves in with Skyler. Natalie figures out that Jessica's baby Chloe is really Starr's dead baby Hope. Clint flies back to Llanview (where was he?). Stacey destroys Rex's drug test results. Gigi, Rex, Roxy and Rex's comatose dad are tested to be bone marrow donors for Shayne. Wes and Jessica kiss. Stacey sneaks into Rex's comatose dad's hospital room. Tea quits as Todd's lawyer. Cris visits Evangeline in Silver Springs; Layla throws him out. Jack and Sam come home from South Carolina and visit Blair in the hospital. Shayne has chemo. Jack visits Todd in jail. Todd hires a new lawyer. Cole is taken to jail.
- 3/19-3/25 Shayne spent the night at the hospital. Stacey and a lot of other people are tested to be donors for Shayne. Lola kisses Marco. Shayne and Rex shave their heads. Natalie and Jared have a DNA test of Chloe, Jessica, Hope and Starr. Rex's comatose dad is a match for Shayne. Layla and Cris are locked inside the walk-in. Marty hires Tea to represent Cole. Todd sues for custody of Starr, Jack and Sam. Roxie and Stacey scuffle. Oliver Fish is hired by the LPD, and steals evidence for John. Todd is released from jail. Stacey pretends she's the match for Shayne, and blackmails Gigi to break up with Rex. John finds a letter K in the photos of Lee Halperin's body. Blair wakes up. Antonio comes back (boo!) just for the day (yay!). Tea represents Blair in the custody suit. Natalie and Jared's DNA test proves that live baby Chloe and dead baby Hope were switched. Destiny is Sean's sister.
- 3/30-4/14 Cole's arraignment. Todd and Blair's custody hearing. Roxy makes Shane up like Ziggy Stardust. Cole takes more drugs. Matthew starts using a wheelchair. Shayne has a bone marrow donor, except not really. Nora gives Cole a plea bargain. Cole enters a drug treatment program. Skyler's hearing at the school board. Cole uses his dealer's pee to pass the treatment center drug test. Ray really, really kisses Dorian. Jessica asks Jared and Natalie to be baby Chloe/Hope's godparents. John married Blair yesterday so she can keep custody of Starr, Jack and Sam. Gigi and Brody pretend to have sex. Skyler is Cole's drug treatment counselor. Layla has a blind date. Hank Gannon returns to Llanview, just for the day. Ray and Tea have a date. Oliver Fish's friend Kyle works in pathology at the hospital. Todd tries (and fails) to hire a Mafia hitman to kill John. Cris and Layla are locked in a sauna. The Mafia hitman kisses Dorian. Rex asks Gigi to marry him. Rachel Yamagata performs at Capricorn. Zac (one of the gang rapists from the 80s) is back in Llanview. Starr throws herself at Skyler & is rejected. Cole takes drugs. Natalie decides not to tell anyone that Chloe is really dead baby Hope. I missed a day b/c of the news had to show a whole hour of the stupid UNC basketball team driving home from the airport. Clint throws a disastrous welcome home party for Matthew. John breaks into Zach's apartment. Ray and Dorian kiss. Rachel returns to Llanview (new actress). Jack tries to blackmail Dorian; Ray scares him out of it. Zach knocks Cole out and takes Starr and Cole hostage. Dorian sends a photo of her kissing Ray to David. Todd slams Skyler's head against a door then punches him in the nose. Skyler declares love for Stacey and kisses her. Natalie and Jared burn the evidence that Chloe is dead baby Hope. Starr and Cole escape. Todd shoots Zach. Zach is arrested. Rachel and Matthew play basketball. Cole takes prescription drugs from Todd's house. Vicki and Charlie have sex.
- 4/15-4/20 Todd smashes his cell phone. Nora questions Zach. Destiny plans a welcome back rally for Matthew. Cole uses Marco's pee to pass a drug test. Sean confiscates Starr's phone. Rachel is assigned to be Cole's drug counselor. Bo finds a bloody knife in Zach's motel room. Tea slaps Todd; Todd and Tea have sex. Todd "takes Tea downtown." Baby Chloe's baptism. The bloody knife has John's fingerprint. Kyle and Roxy draw stem cells from Rex's comatose dad (who is totally Mitch Lawrence). Mike draws stem cells from Stacey. Stacey swaps her blood with comatose dad's. Talia is stabbed and thrown in Blair's pool. Wow, Talia is dead. Shayne gets the stem cell transplant. Rex's comatose dad wakes up and tries to choke Roxy. Shayne has an infection. Charlie moves into Llanfair. Skyler finds Stacey's blood which she had thrown out, and steals it. John is arrested.
- 4/21-4/28 Rachel is Cole's new drug counselor. John hires Tea as his defense attorney. Zach's arraignment. Lola turns in Cole for cheating on his drug test. Antonio comes back to Llanview so he can paw at Talia's dead body. Todd and Tea have sex in the courtroom; Tea slaps Todd's face during sex. David returns to Llanview! RJ returns to Llanview! John escapes from jail. David and Dorian agree to divorce. John finds a photo of Marty with a knife stuck in it in his closet. Natalie punches Brodie in the stomach and hurts her hand. Starr and Cole have a DNA test done on dead baby Hope's (actually Chloe's) hair. Cole steals drugs from the hospital. Skyler shows Rex the bag of Stacey's blood. Marty and John flee together to Rochester. Starr finds Cole's drugs. Roxy shuts off comatose dad's life support. Comatose dad wakes up. Skyler throws Stacey out of his apartment. David leaves Llanview. Ray and Dorian have a date. Jessica and Brodie have sex. Tea and RJ have a date. Langston and Marco make out. Todd has a date with a bimbo, but has sex with Tea. Cole moves into Starr's room to kick the drugs.
- 4/29-5/4 Todd and Tea have sex, several times. Cole has crazy withdrawl. Todd's custody hearing. Todd and Marty pose as Kevin and Jessica to visit crazy Powell. Todd wins custody of Starr, Jack and Sam. Matthew returns to Llanview High. Marcie returns to teaching at Llanview High. John steals crazy Powell's medical records. Nora and Bo kiss while staking out Matthew's school. Cole hallucinates. Someone posing as Marty has been visiting crazy Powell. Rebecca is back on the show, and Powell isn't crazy. Shayne comes home from the hospital. Rex moves back into his loft. Hallucination Matthew tells Cole to jump out a window. Blair sneaks out of the hospital and moves in with Todd and the kids. Stacy moves in with Rex.
- 5/5-5/20 Cris teaches Layla to paint. Skyler sneaks into the hospital and tests Stacy's blood. Kyle blackmails Roxy to get a free room at the hotel. Rex and Gigi dream about each other. Gigi climbs into bed with Rex. Shayne pretends to go to school. Cole confesses to Rachel about the drugs. Rex and Gigi kiss. Cole and Starr find out dead baby Hope's hair sample is not from their baby. Brody and Jessica have sex. Rex punches Brody in the nose. Shayne runs away from Gigi to live with Rex. Rex and Stacey make out. Kyle figures out that Chloe is really dead baby Hope and blackmails Natalie and Jared. Tea flashes Todd, Blair and Jack. Kyle is Rebecca's brother. Everyone gets invitations to the KAD Spring Fling. Powell kills Dr. Kwan and Rebecca locks John in a padded cell. Blair, Marty, Todd, Tea and John open their invitations, are poisoned with botulism and collapse. John is blamed for Dr. Kwan's murder. Destiny has a date for the prom. Rebecca and Powell kidnap Marty. Powell kidnaps Blair, Todd and Tea. Rebecca holds Jack and Sam prisoner in their house. Dorian gives condoms to Langston. Cole does not steal drugs. Jared and Natalie have bachelor / bachelorette parties. Prom night. Stacey strips at Jared's bachelor party. Kyle strips at Jessica's bachelorette party. Lola sticks a needle through Marco & Langston's condoms. Stacey's old boss from Vegas comes to Llanview demanding money Stacey stole from him. Lola goes to the prom with Cole's drug dealer. Clint and Nora get engaged. Gigi puts spoiled sour cream on Stacey's burger. Michael and Bo exhume dead baby Hope. Langston sucker punches the drug dealer. Destiny goes to the prom with her cousin Tyrone. Matthew goes to the prom with Rachel. Cole and Starr go to the prom. The asshole kid Justin buys drugs from the drug dealer kid Asher; Asher gets arrested. Stacey gets food poisoning. Natalie and Jared elope. Lola takes LSD. The Pussycat Dolls perform at the prom. Powell has Todd, Marty, Blair & Tea in a replica of the dorm room where they raped Marty. Roy plays guitar for Dorian. John in a straightjacket subdues two hospital orderlies and escapes from his straightjacket. Roy and Dorian have sex. Langston and Marco have safe sex with condoms that don't have holes in them. Lola confesses to killing her mother. Rebecca and Powell kidnap baby Chloe (really notdead baby Hope). Marty remembers everythning. Powell shoots Tea, and locks Tea and Blair in a basement with an open gas line. Starr and Cole rescue Jack and Sam. Fish arrests Kyle. Rebecca hits John with a rock and tries to kill him, but he stabs her with her own syringe. John shoots Powell and frees Marty and Todd. Rex takes Shane to the hospital. Jessica remembers Bess swapping the babies and passes out. Rebecca lights a match and blows up herself, John, Tea and Blair. Jessica and Chloe are admitted to the hospital.
- 5/21-5/27 ? Kind of the same day, kind of the next day. Marcie, Michael, Cole and Starr discover that the baby in the grave was not notdead baby Hope. Tea is taken to the hospital. Bess emerges and leaves Llanview with notdead baby Hope. Jessica re-emerges for a moment, then Bess comes back. Rex gives Stacey a key to his apartment. Tea has surgery. Kyle blackmails Stacey for bail money. Bess changes her hair color and throws her phone out the car window. Kyle's arraignment. Lola is admitted to St. Anne's. John and Marty almost have sex.
- 5/28-6/4 John is cleared of all charges. Cris moves in with Layla. Bess takes Chloe to Nash's birth parents' house in West Virginia. Vicki goes on TV asking Jessica to bring not-dead baby Hope home. Rex takes $20,000 from Ultraviolet for Stacey to pay off her Vegas boss, Stan. Everyone finds out about the Hope/Chloe swap. Kyle changes the data so it looks like Stacey did donate Shayne's stem cells. Brodie follows Bess to Nash's parents' house. Stacey makes Stan punch her in the face. Stacey stole the bag of blood from Skyler. Nash's dad pulls a gun on Brodie, and Nash's mom knocks him out with a vase. Jessica remembers Brodie and comes out for a minute. Bess comes back and rips Nash's parents' phone out of the wall. Vicki, Clint, Bo and the police follow Bess to Nash's parents' house. Vicki pretends to be Jean Randolph and talks Jessica into coming out. Skyler slams Kyle against a counter, until Oliver pulls a gun on him. Gigi and Skyler walk in on Rex and Stacey in bed together. Jessica remembers Chloe dying. Oliver moves in with Layla and Cris. Gigi and Stacey catfight; Gigi steals a hair sample from Stacey. Oliver gives a tutorial on how to install a TV converter box. Jessica gives up the baby and everyone returns to Llanview.
- 6/5-6/10 Michael and Marcie assemble a crib. Todd gives Michael and Marcie money. Todd and Blair take live baby Hope from Jessica and give her to Starr and Cole. Michael asks Marcie to renew vows. Bo hires John back as chief of police. Charlie asks Vicki to marry him. Clint pressures Nora to marry him today. Marcie and Michael take Hope. Stacey cooks dinner for Rex. Todd retakes custody of Jack and Sam. Tea moves in with Todd, Jack and Sam. John asks Blair for a divorce. Ray and Lola leave Llanview.
- 6/11-6/16 Rex gives Stacey keys to Ultraviolet so she can teach dance classes. Blair and Todd's custody hearing. Llanview High graduation day. Marco is valedictorian. Marco's real name is Geraldo. Marty testifies. Cole gets a conditional diploma. Dorian smashes a glass in her hand. Tea testifies. The dealer gives Cole drugs, which he tries to throw away but gets arrested. Dorian gets drunk at Langston's graduation party, retakes ownership of La Boule, evicts Mo and Noelle, and fires Sean. Marcy gives Hope back to Starr. Langston pushes Dorian into the pool. Marco's parents forbid him to see Langston. The judge orders Todd and Blair to move in together and raise their kids together. Tea whacks Todd with her cane. Michael accepts a job in Seattle. Cole takes a drug test and goes to lockup. Todd books every room in the Palace Hotel so Tea will be forced to stay at his house.
- 6/17-6/19 Cole's hearing. Baby Chloe's funeral. Cole is sentenced to 2 years in prison, and given 2 days to "get his affairs in order." Marcie is pregnant. Marcie and Michael move to Seattle. Matthew plays keyboard, Shane plays drums and Destiny sings at a school concert. Marco gets a job working at the country club. Rex and Stacey get caught sneaking into the country club and stealing food. Gigi tries to seduce Kyle to get information. Skyler has a temp job as a bartender at Roadie's. Layla and Oliver go on a date. Rex and Stacey kiss; Rex removes Stacey's bra with his teeth. Cole proposes to Starr. Rex and Stacey are arrested for defrauding the country club, but Bo talks the club into dropping the charges. Todd gives consent for Starr and Cole to marry, but he's lying.
- 6/22-7/1 Clint gives Nora a ring in front of Bo. Destiny is waiting tables at the country club, but gets fired for dumping water on the mean kids. Layla applies for an admin job at the police station. Stacey teaches dance classes to little girls. Destiny and Sean's brother Greg comes to Llanview to treat Matthew. Todd hires a nurse, lawyer, Mo and Sean to take care of Tea while she lives at his house. Rex and Stacey have sex on the floor at Ultraviolet. Todd kisses Tea. Tea records Todd threatening Cole. Gigi tells Rex the truth about Stacey. Natalie drops the charges against Kyle. The nurse for Rex's not-dead dad comes to Roxy's hair salon, knocks her out with an injection, takes the backup blood and gives it to Stacey. Rex kisses Gigi. Renee pretends to be getting plastic surgery, but she's really sick. Greg stands up Sean and Destiny. Clint asks Bo to be his best man. Blair sings at Capricorn. Todd and Tea have sex. Jessica and Brodie have sex. Natalie and Jared have sex. Oliver and Layla kiss. Rex and Stacey do not have sex.
- 7/2-7/13 Starr and Cole have a wedding, but Starr calls it off just before the vows. Brodie applies for a job at the police department. Rex kisses Stacey, then washes his own mouth out with soap. Rex and Stacey have shower sex in Stacey's dream. Matthew falls on his face during physical therapy. Greg gives Destiny a blackberry. Cole's sentence is suspended. Skyler has a permanent job at the drug rehab center. Rex and Gigi have sex. Layla gets a job as John's assistant at the police station. Rex punches Skyler. Dorian hosts a dinner for Langston, Marco, Marco's parents, Mo, Noelle, Sean, Vicki and Charlie. Langston and Marco walk out of the dinner party and have almost sex. Layla and Oliver almost have sex. Marco's father throws him out; he moves in with Vicki and Charlie. Jessica and Brodie have sex.
- 7/14-7/22 Gigi and Skyler have sex in Skyler's dream. Shayne pretends to be sick. Brodie is hired by the police station. Cole goes undercover in a drug sting. Blair brings a boy toy lifeguard named Chad home to make Todd jealous. Chad teaches Sam to swim. Michael McBain comes back to Llanview to help Shayne pretend to be sick. Michael has a nice haircut. John and Marty almost have sex. Blair and Chad the lifeguard neck. Tea catches Todd and Blair having sex. Tea crushes Todd's dick? (hard to tell behind the towel.) Clint asks Bo not to be his best man. Tea breaks up with Todd and pushes him into the pool. Rex catches Stacey hiding the bag of blood in a fur vault. Tea and John use a photo of Todd for target practice. Dorian has the mattress where Blair and Todd had sex burned. Marty pushes Todd. Matthew hires Tea to empancipate himself. Stacey tries to blackmail Rex into having sex on the furs, but eventually gives him the blood to get him to shut up. Greg saves the life of a boy who fell off his skateboard. Blair and John sign divorce papers. Bo and Nora watch a videotape of Matthew playing basketball. Stacey smashes Gigi's windshield with a crowbar and writes "bitch" in lipstick on it. Gigi punches Stacey in the face. Cris steals Kyle's "Dear John" letter from Oliver. Gigi pushes Stacey down the stairs. Marco's dad disowns him. Stacey is pregnant. Rex and Gigi have sex. Cole and Starr almost have sex but the baby cries.
- 7/23-7/28 Tea smashes her phone. Tea and Blair cat fight. Greg spills food on Rachel. Tea and Blair trash Tea's house. Sean chokes Greg. Clint asks Bo to be best man again. Todd asks Tea to move into La Boulee; Tea refuses. Stacey breaks into Rex's apartment and fantasizes sex with Rex. Jessica and Natalie have a bachelorette party for Clint, Nora, Vicki and Charlie. Asa's ghost ruins the party. Jessica and Brodie declare love. Jessica sees Nash's ghost. Stacey tells Rex and Gigi she's pregnant. Bo and Nora kiss.
- 7/29-8/5 Clint and Nora and Vicki and Charlie's wedding day. Matthew blackmails Bo and Nora, but doesn't go through with it. Cole moves into his cover apartment. Brodie goes undercover also. Bo visits Lindsay in jail. (what? why is Lindsay in jail?) Blair and Dorian get drunk and have massages together. Matthew and Destiny almost kiss. Rex gives Stacey his apartment. Dorian and Blair adopt a stray cat; Blair imagines being crazy cat lady. Blair and Dorian crash, but do not stop, the wedding ceremony. Stacey has a miscarriage. Tea and Blair catch the bouquets. Todd kisses Tea in front of Blair. Stacey says she's 6 weeks pregnant (actually 4 days!). Todd hires singer Frankie Negron to sing for Tea. Rachel throws a drink in Greg's face. Dorian sleeps off her drunk in the rectory.
- 8/6-8/13 Kyle says that he's gay; Oliver doesn't. The Russian drug dealer slams Cole against a table and plants a bug in Cole's apartment. Stacey pretends to be still pregnant. Kyle kisses Oliver; Oliver pushes Kyle. Skyler kisses Gigi. Nora has an iPhone. (do I have to get rid of mine now?) Matthew's emancipation hearing begins. Tea and Nora's lawyer Elijah try to blackmail each other. Elijah the lawyer is the same actor who played Terry the rapist on AMC. David returns to Llanview! Blair hires Rex to investigate Tea. David is starring in a reality show. Natalie and Jared have desk sex. David's reality show hires Marco as a cameraman. Vicki and Dorian go to a hospital board meeting. Nash's ghost gives Natalie and Jared a DVD of his own death. Marty gets her job back at Llanview Hospital. Jessica finds David's producer in the bushes and breaks a vase on his head. Oliver and Layla have sex. David's reality show producer fires him.
- 8/14-8/20 Stacey's stripper friend Kim comes to Llanview. Day 2 of Matthew's trial. Todd hires Elijah the lawyer. Elijah shows Tea his blackmail info. Skyler and Gigi hug; Rex slams Skyler against a wall. Matthew testifies. Kyle makes a date with another guy, Nick. Matthew says he's been paralyzed for 5 months (actually 18 days). Stacey & Kim try & fail to seduce Kyle. Blair kisses, then bites Todd. David's producer tickles Nigel. Clint punches David in the face and pulls a shotgun on him. Jessica holds a seance for Nash. Stacey tries to seduce Oliver. Clint shoots the fireplace. Layla catches Oliver kissing Stacey. David is paying Matthew's legal bills. Nora chokes David. Oliver declares love for Layla.
- 8/21-8/27 Marty starts work at the hospital. Vicki, Dorian and Blair attend a campaign rally for Mayor Lowell. Todd has a court-appointed psychiatrist appointment with Marty. Mayor Lowell has Charlie's work permit cancelled. Skyler smashes a bunch of stuff in his apartment. Stacey slips Skyler the date rape drug. Rex and Gigi fight, then have sex. Layla and Kyle's new guy, Nick, do yoga together. Todd and Tea declare love. Stacey tries to have sex with drugged Skyler but he refuses. Blair flies to Tahiti. John catches the bad cop talking about a drug deal with the Mayor. David and the reality show crew are hiding (living?) in the stable. Langston sees the reality show producer Ford showering outdoors. Rachel and Greg play Dance Dance Revolution. Rachel falls and lands on top of Greg. Dorian has a date with Mayor Lowell; he hires her as his campaign manager. Marco and Langston have sex. Layla figures out Oliver is gay and throws him out of the apartment. Oliver and Stacey have sex. Todd and Tea have sex.
- 8/28-9/1 Vicki decides to run for mayor. The court rules Todd doesn't have to live at La Boule anymore. Blair breaks into Ross' house in Tahiti. Oliver comes out finally. Todd proposes marriage to Todd. Tea is already married to Ross. Mayor Lowell films a campaign video with his son Justin, the asshole boy from Llanview High. Todd takes a picture of Cole selling drugs to Justin. Mayor Lowell slaps Justin. Ross agrees to divorce Tea. Tea agrees to marry Todd.
- 9/2-9/9 Justin's preliminary hearing. Todd gives Tea an engagement ring in her grapefruit. Ross teaches Blair to surf. There's a new actress for Carlotta. Dorian and Todd each find out Cole is a narc, and each tell Mayor Lowell. A former patient of Dr. Greg testifies in Matthew's trial. Dr. Greg testifies. Rachel testifies. Vicki spells her name "Viki." Hm. Todd's paper endorses Mayor Lowell. The bad cop, Keaton, tries to shoot Cole; John shoots Keaton. Matthew fires Tea as his lawyer. Nora slaps Tea. The judge has Nora and Tea put in jail on contempt charges. Cris buys a book about coming out for Oliver. Greg and Rachel kiss. Viki and Mayor Lowell have a debate. John arrests Mayor Lowell in the middle of the debate. Sean gets shot. The Russian drug dealer and two flunkiest guys bash Todd in the head with a flowerpot, shoot him in the leg, shoot Sean twice, and kidnap Starr and Hope. Nora and Tea are released from jail. Ross and Blair fly back to Llanview from Tahiti. Tea wears Todd's ring. Sean has surgery. Todd and Tea spend the night at La Boule. (where is Dorian?)
- 9/10-9/15 Sean and Greg's parents comes to Llanview. Ross and Blair arrive in Llanview. Asher is arrested. Blair makes Ross live in the cabana. Stacey isn't pregnant. Stacey has an ob/gyn appointment. Stacey is pregnant by Oliver after all. Greg operates on Sean to remove a bullet from his brain, with Stevie Wonder music. Starr and Hope escape the warehouse in a rowboat. The Russian stabs Brodie with rebar. Bo shoots the Russian in the hand. John shoots the other Russion in the gut. Brodie has surgery to get the rebar out. Sean is in a coma. Greg is kind of prissy when he's angry. John and Marty have sex.
- 9/16-9/22 Layla and Cris have a breakfast party for Oliver. David takes Sean's medal of honor and pins it on Bo. John and Marty have sex. Kyle is readmitted to med school. Bo holds a ceremony to give medals to John, Cole, Oliver Brodie and Sean. Dorian runs for mayor. David' reality show is cancelled. Oliver's parents come to Llanview. Greg has an argument with Coma Sean. Jared is attacked by the stalker. Oliver comes out to his parents; they disown him. Rex proposes to Gigi; she says no. Matthew wins his lawsuits against Nora and Bo. Marco moves in with Cole. Kyle and Nick spend the night together.
- 9/23-9/29 Todd and Tea's wedding day. Langston gets a ticket for hanging Dorian's campaign flyers. Marco's mother asks his father for a divorce. Oliver's parents leave Llanview. David moves into La Boule. Oliver and John get drunk together. Skyler is banned from ever teaching in Llanview schools again. Ross kidnaps Blair on a stolen boat, goes out into the bay and throws away the key. Marco and Langston have sex on tape. Skyler gets a job bartending at Rodie's. Todd and Tea get "married" except she's already married to Ross. Lionel Richie performs at Ultraviolet. I somehow deleted the 9/29 episode?
- 9/30-10/6 Greg refuses to do Matthew's surgery. Skyler applies to medical school. Jared talks to the stalker on the phone. Nick represents the GLA and meets with Viki. Jared finds the stalker's dead body. Nora and Bo's appeal is denied. Dorian hires Amelia, a lesbian who looks just like Mel (the ghost, not her dead husband) as her campaign manager. Skyler and Kim have a date. Todd dumps Tea. Gigi throws popcorn at Kim's hair. Ross pretends to leave Llanview. Jared is taken in for questioning.
- 10/7-10/19 Dorian has a campaign appearance at the diner. Blair has sex with Todd in her dreams. Tea and Blair punch each other in the face. Nick is the new teacher at Llanview High. Marco accidently shows the sex tape to his parents. Tea has a secret child with Todd; Blair smashes Tea's phone. Jared hires a new lawyer. Dorian pretends to come out at a gay rights campaign appearance. Starr tells Marco's parents that Langston is pregnant. Tea pushes Blair through a second story window. Blair goes to the hospital. Oliver questions Tea. Noelle is back (meh). Jack clocks Ross with a statue and ties him up. Ross is arrested. Ross knocks Oliver out, escapes from jail and goes to Blair's hospital room. Oliver tases Ross and rearrests him. John and Marty have sex in her office. Jared is released from jail. Delphina the terrible psychic visits Jessica. Destiny gives Matthew sneakers. Bo and Nora kidnap Matthew in the private jet and take him to a boarding school in London. Jessica finds Tess and Bess' clothes in her suitcase. Sean wakes up. Jared meets a mystery person at the Buchanan lodge. John and Natalie find Pamela Stewart's dead body at the Buchanan lodge. Elijah and Ross are brothers. Marty hypnotizes Blair. Cris and Layla cook flan together, and kiss. Blair gets her memory back.
- 10/20-10/27 Rex' birthday. Nora, Bo and Matthew arrive in London. Kevin is back! Nick proposes to Kyle. Oliver is suspended for tasing Ross. Greg's mom slaps his face. Shane has braces. Dorian and David kiss. Blair comes home from the hospital. Matthew enters boarding school; Tea's daughter Danielle is there. Ross is released from jail. Blair makes up a story that Tea was planning to steal all Todd's money. Nash's ghost calls Jessica. Nick gives Kyle a tux for their wedding. Brodie goes to Michigan to see his sister Nadine. Tea clocks Ross with a vase of flowers. Tea sees Todd and Blair kissing in bed. Gigi and Rex schedule couples counseling with Marty; Rex blows off counseling to help Natalie look for Jared. Gigi and Skyler go to a "Hale Bopp" concert. Jared and Natalie kiss in Natalie's dream. Skyler and Gigi Kiss in Skyler's dream. Gigi and Rex kiss in Gigi's dream.
- 10/28-11/2 Halloween. Vicki cancels the debate, suspends her campaign and bakes cookies. Brodie's sister Nadine drugs his coffee and ties him up. Skyler wears Rex's costume and goes to the costume party with Gigi & Shayne. Nash's ghost calls Jessica. Natalie and Rex go to Napa. Blair, Todd, Jack & Sam dress as the Fantastic Four. David quits as Dorian's campaign manager. David and Destiny fly to London. Cris moves in with his mother. Skyler, Gigi and Shayne win the costume prize. Bo and Nora smash glassware all over Kevin's house, then kiss. Ross knocks Eli out, steals his keys and goes to London. Andrew officiates at Dorian's big fake gay wedding. Cole and Marco and Starr and Langston pretend to be getting gay married. Skyler is accepted to LU med school. Sklyer kisses Gigi. Bo and Nora declare love. Nigel has an identical cousin in London, Neville. Greg's other girlfriend appears on his door wearing only a coat. Rachel breaks up with Sean. Oliver comes out on TV. Kyle backs out on marrying Nick; Kyle and Oliver declare their love. Dorian and Amelia get married. Roxy kisses a female anti-gay protester.
- 11/3-11/12 Election Day. Hope's birthday. Llanview has only one voting location. Natalie, Rex and Jessica arrive at Nash's old vineyard in Napa. John slams a hotel clerk in Illinois against a wall and has him arrested on phony charges. Brodie spent the entire day and night tied up. John returns to Llanview. Rex's Aunt Corrine pretends to be dying of cancer. Rex flies to Michigan; Nadine and Corrine drug his tea. Tea and Elijah go to London and visit Danielle. Elijah is the worst lawyer ever. Sean sees Rachel and Greg kissing. Todd sends a PI to London. Clint goes to London. John goes Michigan. Matthew and Danielle escape from boarding school. Stacie gets a fake sonogram of her baby. Hope has a birthday party. Marcie returns to Llanview to vote illegally! Gigi gets drunk, kisses Skyler and takes her clothes off. Nash's grave is open and empty. Jared smashes Jessica's phone. Jessica knocks Jared out and locks herself in a greenhouse with Nash' rotten corpse and Natalie's not-dead body. John and Brodie go to Napa. Oliver and Kyle have a date. Mitch Lawrence is alive, admits to digging up Nash's body, and is Rex's dad. (duh.) He has a nice gray van dyke. Ross returns to Llanview. Matthew and Danielle fly to Seattle. Mitch attacks Natalie with a scythe. Cris and and Layla kiss. Cris and Layla and Kyle and Oliver watch "Christina Comes Home for Christmas." Destiny returns to Llanview; David stays in London. Mitch has new followers. Brodie and John find drugged cops in the garage at the vinyard. Ross kisses Blair and tears her phone out of the wall. Todd tackles Ross. Vicki and Charlie go to Napa. Mitch shoots Jared. Bo and Nora and Tea and Elijah go to Seattle. John beat's Mitch head against a post. Marcie and Michael are in Seattle. Marcie pretends to be in labor, then goes into labor for real. Jared goes into surgery. Gigi passes out at Skyler's. Matthew has surgery.
- 11/13-11/17 Rex returns to Llanview. Roxy hits Skyler in the head. Charlie is a murderer but doesn't remember it. Jared dies. Marcie gives birth to a boy, Gabriel. Greg and Rachel fly to Seattle. Greg performs more surgery on Matthew. Vicki wins the mayoral election by one vote (which Marcie cast illegally). John almost shoots Mitch. Charlie chokes Mitch. Bo and Nora almost have sex, but have pizza instead. Vicki slaps Mitch's face. Napa police have a court order to keep Mitch in California.
- 11/18-11/24 Day before Thanksgiving. John, Clint, Natalie, Clint and Vicki return to Llanview with Jared's body. Todd and Blair almost have sex, but don't. John and Marty have sex. Jared's ghost has sex with Natalie. Bo and Nora return to Llanview. Natalie slaps John's face. Ross goes to Seattle. Todd goes to Seattle. Stacey gets a fake pregnancy belly. Tea slaps Ross. Ross trashes a hotel room and chokes Tea till she's unconscious. A mystery person visits Mitch in jail. Todd beats up Ross. Stacey tells Skyler he's the father of her baby. Vicki declines to be mayor. Tea, Todd and Ross get arrested.
- 11/25-12/7 Thanksgiving. Dorian is appointed mayor. Bo, Nora, Sean, Destiny and their parents go to Seattle. Mo and Noelle bring dinner to Vicki, Natalie and Jessica. Matthew's feet move. All the London Buchanans have the flu. Jared's funeral. Clint hires Kim as his assistant. Bo and Nora return to Llanview. Mitch is released from jail, flies to Llanview, hides in Jared's coffin and jumps out during the funeral. Mitch is arrested. Nash and Jared are buried. Dorian is sworn in. Dorian legalizes her gay marraige to Amelia & is arrested by the state attorney general. Ross knocks out a guard and escapes from jail. Charlie drinks. All American Rejects perform at Ultra-Violet. Gay bashers punch Skyler and beat up Nick. Tea and Todd are released from jail. Ross takes Danny and Destiny hostage. Kyle & Oliver almost have sex. Blair goes to Seattle. Layla and Cris have sex. Ross kidnaps Blair and Danny and escapes. The gay bashers are arrested.
- 12/8-12/14 Kim starts her job at BE. Neville arrives in Llanview. Natalie stabs Mitch. Rachel, Destiny and Destiny's mom return to Llanview. Nora and Bo fly to Seattle. Kim gets Neville drunk and seduces him. Stacey steals a vial of Mitch's blood. Mitch has surgery. Ross knocks a guy out and steals his car. Neville impersonates Nigel and tells Clint that Nora and Bo are having an affair. Ross, Danny, Blair, Bo, Nora, Todd and Tea drive to the Canadian border. Blair clocks Ross; Todd shoots Ross & he falls into the river.
- 12/15-12/22 Rex kicks Gigi out. Dorian is released from jail. Blair returns to Llanview. Delphina the psychic is Amelia's ex, and they reconcile. Nick is released from the hospital. Mitch accuses John of stabbing him. Dorian and Amelia call off their fake marriage. Everyone in Seattle returns to Llanview. Danny moves into the Buchanan mansion. Mitch puts red Xs on all the faces in Dorian's Cramer christmas card. Clint and Kim pretend to have sex in front of Nora. Nora, Matthew and Danielle move into the Palace. Clint pulls a gun on Bo and Nora and punches Bo. Gigi moves into the Buchanan lodge. Mitch blackmails Dorian. Stacey has Mitch's blood hidden in a soda can in her fridge, ew. Nick moves in with Kyle.
- 12/23 Christmas Eve. Nora gets Bo a fishing trip for Christmas; Bo gets Nora ballroom dancing lessons. Clint throws Nora, Matthew and Rachel out of the mansion. Matthew walks. Mitch sends Dorian a scary cuckoo clock and poisons her egg nog. Charlie attacks the guard outside Mitch's hospital room. Clint burns photos of Nora. Greg and Rachel have sex.
- 12/28 New Year's Eve. Dorian, Bo, Nora, Elijah, Tea, Clint and Kim go to the Mayor's Ball. Stacey's baby kicks. Everybody else goes to Ultraviolet. Ford the reality show producer returns to Llanview; he is teaching Marco's film class. Danielle steals Bo's gun and tries to kill Todd. Dorian fires Bo. Destiny declares love to Matthew; Matthew doesn't reciprocate. Nick kisses Kyle; Kyle throws Nick out of his apartment. Gigi and Skyler have sex. Kyle and Oliver have sex.